I like to think. I like to talk to myself. My mind argues with itself. It's madness in there. I think about the most random things at the random times, sometimes I get so tired of it so I sleep it off. I like to think about the past, present, future; in addition to the alternate past, present and future routes that I may have taken if not for now. Am I the only one who think of alternate realities?

My alternate reality mainly revolves around my hijab. It's something very sacred and special to me. Because when I first put it on when I was 16, I made a promise to God to wear it for Him for the rest of my life. My alternate reality: I don't wear the hijab. I become a totally different person sucked into what the modern society demands of women these days. Short shorts, mini skirts, revealing clothes, nail polish, etc. Just the other day, I tuned into a talk show where a panel of self-proclaimed fashion experts judge each woman who comes through a door by the way she dresses. The colours by season, the cut, the dress, the shoes, the hair. Let me put it straight out here that I love fashion and I have enjoyed watching Tim Gunn on The Runway. But he was one of the judges on the show telling women how the dress fits her to the T and how the colour is great for the season, how she looks professional or dressed right for a party. I felt so disgusted. There you have, women (who may or may not have insecurities; who may or may not have their own style preference; who are clearly capable of making their own style choices and forming their own opinions) who are asked to twirl so that the judges can see if the skirt fits her hips and if the dress sparkles under the light. I didn't like what I was seeing and right after the demonstration of one of the women, I turned the television off. Why are we judging what women should wear? Why are we insinuating that women have to dress scantily to a party or a business meeting to 'close the deal'?

Speaking of being in the industry, why do the business women I see in movies wear short and tight skirts or a buttoned-down blouse? Are those even business-appropriate? Do women have to resort to wearing such clothes and high heels (which are known for making woman look good) to close a business deal or to talk business? Do we have to sell our image and modesty to do business?

Yet people are saying that Muslim women are oppressed when we dress for modesty and obeying God's word. I trust that wearing the hijab is God's words and insyaAllah He accepts my intention and helps me through this life and the hereafter. Whatever I do not get, it is for the betterment of my own self. Because He has the best of plans for us.

Also, if I had not chosen to wear my hijab, I probably would have been more vulnerable and susceptible to the trends of teenagers and young adults these days. Parties, drinking, clubbing, chasing new trends, chasing after idols (I used to be so crazy over Kpop but I gave myself a reality check). Those are the things that God ordered us not to do. I've never gotten used to the idea of intoxicating myself with alcohol. I've never found it comfortable to go to a club with so many sweaty and half-conscious people dancing to loud music. That was the day I was brought up. But if I had not worn the hijab, I may have submitted myself to peer pressure and met the 'wrong group of friends'. Of course, alhamdulilah, I've been blessed with great friends who teach me nothing but discipline and staying low too :P But my hijab too has a great role to play in reminding myself of who I am and my place in God's eyes. I am not perfect; I may have deviated sometimes but I will say, alhamdulilah, it has kept me a disciplined person so far. It reminds me of God and His words and commands. Alhamdulilah for being able to see that.

My alternate reality of not wearing the hijab, scares me sometimes. It forces me to think to myself, when will I wear it if not now? Later? When is later? How long am I going to prolong this? God is Forgiving and Merciful and He will wait. But wait till when? He knows your Time, but do you? If not, then when will you repent? I also told myself, if it's not now and I promise myself to wear my hijab after my marriage, will I eventually wear it? We will change over time. Our opinions. They change with circumstances. So, really? Often times people set goals for themselves at the start of the year. But how many of us actually follow through it and make sure that we fulfill all of them by the end of the year?

My alternate reality also revolves around many of the important decisions that I have made over the course of 20 (soon-to-be 21) years. What if I had studied harder and followed in the footsteps of my brother? Would I have become a better person? Maybe smarter :P But would I be boastful because of that? (I'm not saying my brother is boastful. My brother is my role model for many reasons; boastful is totally not one of them) Would I have cared more about God than I have now? Maybe not? Would I have made my parents proud of me? Would my brother be proud of me? Would God be proud of me?

Then again, how about now?

I can't get God's answer; maybe I can though because He always has His ways of showing me. But I can get those answers from my family.

In truth, I'm afraid to ask them this question. Because I know I have too many flaws. I can't face them now and ask them if they're proud of me. I'm not exactly receptive of criticisms (MAJOR BAD POINT). I'm open to them but they hit me hard and I beat myself up for being so. My mum often points out my bad points and I get super sulky and try to defend myself and all though actually, I'm aware of it myself. I don't want to believe it. We all think we're better that others. But we're really not. I fault in many areas. I'm human. I'm scarred by my past failures and for having certain people expect perfection from me. I'm afraid of failing though I'm trying hard not to be, because every failure is a stepping stone to success (so cliche!).

How about you? Are you courageous enough to ask your loved ones if they're proud of you?

I may have digressed a few times in this entry; I told you my mind is chaotic.

But I think this entry has spurred me on to type a future email to myself. I recently found out about FutureMe (click!) from a tumblr blog that I follow. I think it's such an interesting idea and it would definitely be a surprise when I receive it on a future date that I set. I'd forget that I ever wrote to myself and then receive it in the future. It would be interesting. I personally feel like it would be a way to track my development as a person, student, daughter, sister and most importantly, a Muslimah.

Anyway, at the end of these thoughts, it all boils down to two things.

#1: What is your alternate reality? Would it be a good or bad thing if it had happened instead?

#2: Will you be courageous enough to ask if your loved ones are proud of you, today?

My answer to #1, bad. I want to be close to God as much as I can and strive for that till the day I return to Him. Death is a scary thing but I shouldn't be scared of it because I will meet my Creator. However, I'm afraid of when I have to pay my dues. So before it can get any worse, I'd start now. Strive to become a better person in God's eyes by obeying His words. As to #2, I've actually asked my mum during a few of our many casual talks. Her answers vary from time to time -.- But that also means I have to keep working on myself. I may strive for perfection. But perfection vary differently for different individuals. Then again, I'll aim for the one closest to my loved ones. InsyaAllah!

PS: Glossary for my new/old/temporary/invisible readers...
Alhamduliah - Praises to God
InsyaAllah - God Willing