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OSN, 14061991
Chinese/Malay, Muslim, RMIT (Bbus Mgt Finance Major) Year 2, TP Business - Banking & Finance (Graduate), B.I.G, TPVC. Loves God, family, friends, photography, videography, sports, music, movies - LOTR, Transformers, European history, Japanese & Korean culture, Julia Roberts, Whoopi Goldberg, huge KPop fan, books by Jodi Picoult, Stephenie Meyer & Khaled Hossen

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26 February 2011, 10:57 pm

A perfect or a balanced person?

I wrote in my journal today and i realised it's down to the last 3 pages. This journal, though not too long, has walked me through the 2 most important points in my life so far. One, was dealing with the loss of my dear beloved grandfather whom i so dearly miss even after 3 years, and also my transition as a secondary school girl to a young adult in a Polytechnic. It may not be a very long time but this period has made me learn a lot of lessons and has developed me as a girl. I still wouldn't call myself a lady, simply because it's too feminine for my own good! I'm not exactly a girly girl - like i always warn people - but i do have my moods. Anyway, today i wrote something about feeling afraid. Afraid of the future, as usual. It's not the first time i wrote about that in my journal, nor the first time that i'm talking about in this blog.

Somehow this phase of my life that i'm going to enter feels entirely different from when i was in the transition of getting my posting results after my O levels. Then, it was pretty much set that i was going into a Polytechnic for sure. My results pretty much showed that i'm going to end up in a business course in a Polytechnic. This time, my results have been ok-ok and it's scary to think that i may not get into a local university afterall. I have plans back-up plans already (aka take a private degree) but everything seems so uncertain that i'm extremely frightened of what may or may not happen. For all that's worth right now, i'm hanging by a thread. I'm hoping to be able to pull through and get somewhere. And THAT particular somewhere is so uncertain. Yet that doesn't seem to be the only thing that i'm worried about. I'm actually worried about someone's acceptance too.

Someone who has pinned so much hopes on me, someone who thought i was going to be a perfect girl.

But i'm not. And i have never been. Sorry to say too, i don't want to be one. Perfection is ... scary. Being perfect in one way... could also mean that you fall short in something else. If i were ever perfect in my studies, i doubt i would ever be a perfect friend, or a perfect groupmate, much less a perfect person overall. This doesn't make sense, i know. But a friend (whom i barely regard as one now, unfortunately) has made me think. Now yes she's extremely smart academically. And i admire that. But she has a bad EQ level which disgusts me and my parents. I won't put out the dirty linen here but it showed me how someone who's so good and perfect at something, can actually be so bad at something else.

I guess that was when i realised that i didn't want to be perfect at something. I want to be good. Not perfect. I just want to be good and i want to be a balanced person. Do i sound crazy? Is anyone thinking,"IS SHE CRAZY?! EVERYONE WANTS TO BE PERFECT!"

I do want to be perfect though, in God's eyes. And if you put 'perfect' figuratively, then i want to be perfect in the eyes of the people that i love.

, osn.

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