Kuala Lumpur 2008 - At my Uncle's kampong house. I just got my DSLR a few weeks before this trip.

Haven't been blogging properly, have i? I've been preoccupied with a lot of thoughts in my mind. Things that i fear, mostly. I've been stressed lately, but the people who pile that on me don't know what they're doing...unfortunately. Again, it's not like i don't want to do it. I want to. But do i have the capacity to do it? The ability? The drive? Who's going to push me on and encourage me with words that may ACTUALLY mean something to me and push me on? Instead of telling me what to do and 'encouraging' me with that.

Maybe it's me. I'm taking these thoughts the wrong way. I feel like have no direction now though. The needles of my compass go round and round because i haven't made up my mind yet. Neither have i wrapped my mind around the idea of possible failure. And how it may affect their attitudes toward me. See, i'm always putting them first. Their dreams, hopes, expectations. Not mine.

Maybe too, the reason why i want to fall sick is so i can lie in bed, rest and think about what I want for myself.

Been really tired. Yesterday night was torturous. I had to wake up cringing to pain (rheumatism) and pouring i-don't-know how much hot oil on my palms and rubbing it on my knees because it hurt so bad, forcing myself to use the blanket and ended up sweating. I had to endure the aches that i had all over also. My mum thought i was going to fall sick. I did have a slight fever when i went to bed though. But i woke up in the morning totally alright and a bit unhappy that i didn't fall sick. T_T You must think i'm crazy. To want to fall sick... I had a few dreams also. About my cousin (because i worry for her), a few friends too. Ahh, it wasn't a very good night's sleep afterall since i was sub-consciously thinking about a lot of things.

All i know is.. i have to push myself and find a way to motivate myself. I need to find the drive i had last year to keep me motivated. Maybe i need my best friend to say something to me too. Because his words make the hardest impact on me. I haven't spoken to him for 6 months plus already. I'm losing touch with my own best friend.

Am i doomed? T_T

, osn.

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