To be taught what you don't want to learn, it's a struggle.

To be someone you thought you never want to be, what a fight to put up with.

To be loved by someone you never know, it's an amazing feeling what it's the right one.

To be teased intentionally by someone, it's so hurtful.

To do something you never want to, yet another battle.

Things like that are like jihad (battle). I used to attend english religious classes that taught us moral values and they said that praying, can also be a jihad. It is a jihad when you force yourself to pray when you don't do so regularly. Things like prayers are so simple, yet some of us tend to be lazy to perform a simple process for bowing down to Allah Almighty. When you repent with your heart, Allah Almighty will forgive you InsyaAllah. Our Uztaz mentioned today that he had to go teach the muslim inmates, and he saw repentance of one of them. Of whom before his death sentence, prayed in arabic. Asked for forgiveness and such. Such an example can show you how Merciful Allah can be.

Currently, i'm having a jihad of my own. Having to fight against my feelings towards my loved ones. To fight away the hateful things they do to me. I feel so very tired with their pressure. I know what i need to do for myself, and how much time i can do. I'm not a 9 year old anymore. I can think for myself now. And no, i don't like to be taught of how i should think. I know how i want to do my work, learn my values, complete my work, divide my time, think for myself on how the politics work and what i think of them. He/She keeps telling me things that i disagree almost 100%. Countless times this has happened. And trust me, i've struggled to fight my feelings. These feelings are so hateful and painful that i can barely hang on to. Only a few of my friends are aware of the situation i am in. I don't want people to think that i don't love them. But in a way or another, i have my own right to think. Don't i? Mr Chen once said that we were old enough to think for ourselves. But i don't feel the freedom and my rights to think. Once again, it's like propaganda. I've told my mum a few times already, how i hate him telling me how to think and all (yea, so now you know who.. i broke the silence alrdy). I don't like people who think the way he thinks. Is that wrong?

I find myself finding faults in what he thinks/says. Is that wrong? I'm starting to pick out points that make me hate him even more. Is this wrong? And yesterday, i finally told my mum that he was being quite bias. But she disagreed. And i kept quiet. I always know that i will be the one who has to close her mouth and not voice out her opinion. Cos' that's my life. Maybe it's because i'm a girl and he thinks i can't do what they can. I have a mind of my own, so let me think for myself. I'm sorry but this is startin to hurt me badly and i vowed not to cry anymore this month. But i already broke my own promise for the 2nd time today.

, osn.

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